I've never considered myself beautiful, interesting sometimes but never beautiful. How could I be when I've been damaged on the inside and out? I thought I had overcome that with my "D" but I only internalized it. How? How do I overcome all those nasty words I've been told? How do I believe that my scars don't stop people from loving me? Everything has come to the surface and made me beyond emotional, since I can't talk to my "D".
It boggles my mind when I see people that have so much self esteem and they never let words get them down. How do they do that? How do they believe in themselves so much? I know we all have our own challenges to bear, sometimes I think mine are too much and then I read a blog from someone who amazes me with what they've come through. Yet, there are times I feel so small and insignificant, no matter what I do.
I've just lost so much and not being able to talk with David right now has brought up all my losses and the thought makes me so sad. I know life is about change and challenges but does it have to entail so much loss?
Back to what I said in the beginning, I've never thought of myself as beautiful but I do know that I bore two beautiful children, so maybe I would have been beautiful without the fire and without the nasty words from Ruth (my ex-step mother) and Andrey (my ex).
My mother said I was strong about my scars when I was little, so maybe it's all the nasty words that were said over the years. That old saying of "sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me". That is a lie, words hurt more than physical pain, it damages your inside.
We all need to be extra careful of the words we say to each other, mostly we need to stop judging each other, for no one knows what another person has or is going through in their lives.
My thoughts and prayers are with my "D's" son Christopher, who needs all the prayers he can use. I am praying non-stop for my David and his whole family. Maybe if I center my thoughts on someone else other than me, I will be able to heal myself little by little.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield